All publications of Adetola Kalejaiye . Lagos , Nigeria
A Cheat Sheet for Peace: 10 Ways to Relieve Sadness and Restore Life’s Balance
A friend asked TheKing, "Does the suffering we experience ever end?" His answer was to offer his 'cheat sheet' for peace.
You asked an incredibly honest and vulnerable question: Does the suffering we experience ever end?”I think you meant in the context of divorce, but I often wonder the same thing in the context of work, family and life in general. On a hard day, when our minds are tilting toward negative thoughts, you might think the answer is straight from lai mohammed, “It never ends … there’s no goal line … no end zone where you spike the ball and that’s it”but I believe there is a different answer … that suffering can end immediately … right NOW … by embracing the reality that life is the journey not the destination—that it is the skiing not the mountain or the moguls. Whatever life presents is okay. Live fully and gratefully in this moment. Choose to see the positive and the opportunity. Don’t label everything “good” or “bad.” Life is how we choose to hold it and how we choose to react. Consider this quote as a guide: “This is my secret … I do not mind what happens.”Adetola Kalejaiye..
Here’s my cheat sheet:
1.Conditioning.Be wary of Conditioning—there is no universal right or wrong … we are conditioned to follow a path that serves others’ notions (parents, spouses, children) of what we should do. It is painful to try to stay in that place … the distance between what your heart wants and what conditioning dictates is the suffering you are experiencing. Go back on course of what your heart wants (purpose) and suffering will drop away.
2.Self-Acceptance. Embrace self-acceptance, self-care and self-compassion—Live your truth, moment-to-moment, and accept that it can change over time (others will talk of obligations and commitments in order to bring you back to conditioning). BE KIND in thought and action to yourself. DON’T represent the opposing view … let others represent themselves. Faithfully defend yourself … see your side … you are human and there is always a perspective of self-acceptance that is worthy of embracing … most days no one else will do it for you (they are understandably seeing their own view).
3.Carry Your Own Load. Similarly, take responsibility for yourself, your wants, feelings and actions—refuse responsibility for the wants, feelings and actions of others – their path is theirs … it is a disservice to our loved ones to carry their load (they grow by carrying their own) … it is a terrible loss to everyone for you to forgo your story so you can live the story others would write for you.
4.Presence. Live in the present—attention to the past can cause depression … to the future can cause anxiety … the PRESENT will align you with purpose and the perfection of the moment. The present moment does not allow space for suffering … if you are feeling unwanted emotions then you are not sufficiently present … narrow your focus … to a single breath if necessary … when that works, do it again.
5.Choose Your Reaction. No situation is a single thing—it is a mix of myriad ingredients. Give your attention to the ingredients (elements) that YOU choose (pick positive emotions which include happiness, love and acceptance … instead of negative emotions of fear,anger, anxiety, and depression). In any situation, look for “positive notes” (like in wine) and give your attention to the particular elements of every situation that speak truth, clarity and joy … there are no extra points for giving attention to the negative.
6.Adopt “I LOVE that!” … about every situation—see the joy and magic in even the hardest experiences—both for yourself and others. We must let go of the notion that we can SOLVE someone else … one L-O-V-E-S … one doesn’t S-O-L-V-E … same letters … yes, I just made that up, ha! ??
7.Quiet the Conditioned Mind. I had long vowed to take up meditation, a universally recommended practice but long avoided it as “one more thing to learn”—it isn’t, it is as simple as noticing when you are not in a mental place you wish to be (during any upset or emotional suffering) and taking a moment (a fleeting moment, a minute, 5, 10 … whatever you wish … it can’t be done wrong) and quieting your mind, dropping the negative thoughts, listening to peaceful breaths,thinking an aspirational thought or just imagining a joyous scenario (your pup running and somersaulting through the snow, for example). This is the navigation system guiding you gently back to the path … it is easy, free, and miraculously effective at bringing you back(some suggest saying “I am back” when a meditative moment brings them back to the present).
8.Life is a Journey not a Destination … there is no finish line before we go … there can be joy in EVERY moment (even in the struggle with loss, disease, family dissolution and the upsets of our children).
9.Lead with Joy. The single biggest thing we can do for our partners, children, extended family, friends, and colleagues is be present, joyful, on purpose and at peace … this will create a magnetism around which they can take inspiration and comfort. Think of the people in your life who are like this for you … be one of those people for others.
10.Gratitude. Smile, feel gratitude … enjoy the taste of the food as you eat it, the music as you hear it, the presence of a person who makes you feel good … and the lesson being presented whenever you fall into suffering (ever moment of suffering screams to inform us about our triggers … how conditioning is undermining our joyful pursuit of our path…listen and be grateful for the answer that comes up…it will sharpen your process and make you better). When I was 16, I was practically euphoric to drive a car, turn the ignition, change the gears, press the accelerator, drive down the street, give someone a ride, put gas in the tank, and take it out for a wash. Those are the feelings of gratitude, presence, and joy so common in youth..over time we can forget the vibration of unadulterated happiness that comes from small things and see only the burdens and hassles…gently remind yourself of those things…and bring them back.
??Signs that Show if Your Boyfriend Truly Love You..
Relationship love at times can be confusing when you get to a certain stage of your love life, you will begin to wonder if the relationship you’re into really worth it. You will come to think of it that does this guy really mean this love and question like this will want to help you to know where exactly you’re standing in his life.
There are signs that show if your boyfriends truly love you and these signs are all you need to know to really access the kind of love he’s showing you.
When you first got into relationship, issues like this, don’t even come to your mind really but as time goes on, even if it is infatuated kind love it get fade away and seems to be true love can set in.
But you need to be sure of your position in his life, you wouldn’t want to waste your life and time with someone who doesn’t have a future with you. The earlier you know these sure signs that show if your boyfriend truly love you the better if can be for you.
Feeling insecure sometimes is a part of experiencing love, it’s normal and at times all of us feel it now and then. But what matters is what your lover does to reassure you, and make you feel more loved that will build your confident level toward your relationship.
Take a look at these 12 signs that show if your boyfriend truly love you and make your decision on where exactly is your position in his life and this will help you to get more focus as to concentrate on the love or move on to secure a better relationship that has something positive to offer you.
Signs that show if your boyfriend truly love you
1. Communication: If your guy really love you, he will want to communicate with you at every point in time no matter what. He will talk more often to you than any other person in his life, even his friends will receive much less communication than he talks to you.
2. He gets captivated by you: Have you ever caught him in the act staring at you when you’re busy doing something else? It’s a sure sign that he really love you and he want to get more of you and can’t wait till you’re free.
3 He can goes all the way for you: if a man truly love you, he can do all things for you to make you happy at all time even if it’s something he does not enjoy doing ordinarily. He can even go all the way with you to the market and help you in your shopping.
4 Together time matters to him: A guy will go all the way to look for how he can spend more time with you than any other person in his life, spending time with his best friends or family will surely take a back seat and the time he’ll be spending with you will take the front seat.
5 The impression Continue: The impression he gave you that won you over will not stop after you’ve become his girlfriend, he will continue to make it happen again and again and even extend it to your family members as well.
6. He Love hugging you: He will hug you for no reason at all and hold you more than a few second thanking you for being part of his life though he may not open his mouth to say this but right there in his mind is making the statement.
8. Your thoughts always on his mind: He can’t stop thinking of you always because he has you as top priority in his life. For you to know this, call on his attention at times when you know he will be busy doing something elsewhere to come assist you in sorting something out, he will go all the way to come around and help you out.
9. He flaunts you: Because he love you, he can talk about in front of any damsel that he knew before and make you proud because he is sure of his love for you, something guys who don’t really love you cannot do.
10. He let out his secrets: He will share with you the secret he has never share with anyone before, the secret that he’s afraid of telling his friends so that he will not be mocked. He will be opened to let you know those secrets because he trust and love you.
11. He’s not judgmental: He will not scold you even if you’ve done something wrong, he will just let you understand in a friendly manner what you have done and at times he may even try to pull your leg but is just to make fun of it.
12. He’s changed his world: If a guy truly loves you, he won’t mind changing his lifestyle all because of you, he can miss a crucial game of football that even you yourself know very well that he love. He can as well miss a movie he wants to watch and put you first to attend to your need before his.
Here is even something that you will be much more interested.
If you are not sure if your boyfriend is the Mr right or you have not even meet a guy, that you can consider to be your Mr right?
Then, you’re just in the right place to learn how to meet your Mr right. Every lady has a Mr Right, no matter her age, but if you don’t know how to meet such guy, you might waste much of your time looking for him in the wrong place.
??Signs You’re With A Good Man??
When it comes to dating and relationships, I often find myself wondering how certain people end up with others. Wondering why they don’t walk away if they don’t get what they deserve and hoping that they truly appreciate their teammate if they are getting what they deserve.
I think a big part of the problem blurring this line is that many people aren’t even quite sure what a healthy relationship looks like these days or how a “good man” (or woman) should act towards their partner. To help clarify, I have put together this list of how a good man should act while in a relationship.
1. A good man never lets you forget how much he loves you.
I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with people who tell me that there is no affection in their relationship. The man in their life does not make them feel loved, wanted or appreciated. This is a profoundly important piece of the puzzle — a good man will always remind you how much you mean to him.
If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if they do.
2. A good man always supports you.
Regardless of whether you want to go back to school after 20 years to get your Master’s degree, start a singing career or stay at home to raise a family, a good man will always support you and what you want out of your life. He will never discourage you or make you feel as though you can’t do what you set out to do. He will be beside you every step of the way, cheering on your victories and comforting you during your defeats.
3. A good man will inspire you.
This goes one step beyond supporting you, which can be more passive. To inspire someone takes effort both in how one lives their own life and how they encourage others to live theirs. A good man’s drive and ambition will rub off on you as he pursues his own passions.
4. A good man will work to gain your trust.
A good man will want you to be comfortable and confident in your relationship. The very cornerstone of this is being able to trust someone, and he will realize that. Without trust, there is no foundation for love or respect.
He will understand that trust is not just handed over to someone — it has to be earned, and then it has to be kept.
5. A good man will always make you feel beautiful.
He will understand that making you feel beautiful does not just mean saying the words to you. It will mean truly making you feel beautiful. In the way he looks at you, touches you and treats you. He will notice details when you put effort into your appearance and remind you how attractive he still finds you, even when you don’t.
A good man will understand that whether you are in your sweatpants on the couch or in your evening gown heading to a gala, when you love someone for who they truly are, everything about them becomes beautiful.
6. A good man will make you feel safe.
I have always said that I believe one of the best compliments a woman can give her partner is telling him that she feels safe around him. Regardless of how attracted she is to you or how funny she thinks you are or how much money you have, if a woman cannot sleep soundly by your side at night, none of it matters.
7. A good man does the little things.
Do you need a prescription filled, but have to stay late at work? Did you mention an art exhibit coming to town and he made plans to take you to see it? Regardless of how small certain things seem, he will understand they are really the big things that matter most.
8. A good man never crosses the line.
It is natural to have disagreements and even arguments in a relationship, but there is no reason to make things personal, become insulting and never, ever to become abusive. A good man will remain calm and focus on the topic at hand.
9. A good man is always trying to improve himself.
Whether it be learning new things, developing a new skill set, reading a new book or watching a documentary, a good man who prides himself on continuous self improvement will always be intellectually challenging you and keeping your attention. He will be doing these things for himself, but the added benefit will be the positive impact it has on your relationship.
10. A good man understands actions speak louder than words.
Having the right man in your life will make you understand that people who make empty promises do not deserve your respect. People who keep promises deserve your respect, and he will be one of them.
11. A good man will open up to you.
It can be difficult for some people to express their emotions, fears and even inner-most desires, but having the right person in our lives often helps to open those doors. A good man, while understanding of course that some things are to be kept private, will not hide things from you or bottle up his feelings, knowing that doing so will cause tension and frustration.
12. A good man will always be honest with you.
When building a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship, a good man will understand that honesty is always the best policy.
13. A good man will make you feel comfortable being honest.
Comfort in a relationship (the good kind, not the kind that makes you stop trying) comes from the ability to be open and honest with your partner — and the ability to do this comes from knowing you will never be judged. A good man will encourage you to open up and share your feelings with him. There should never be any fear of him flying off the handle or overreacting if you share something with him.
This means being able to be the most genuine, uncensored version of yourself around him.
14. A good man will never be abusive.
Perhaps the most important point of all. Whether it be mentally, emotionally or physically, a good man will never even think about being abusive towards you or harmful in any way. If this happens to you, please have the courage and respect for yourself in order to talk to someone or walk away immediately. No good person would ever act like this, and it will not get better on its own.
15. A good man will stand by you.
When a man commits his love and his time to someone, there are no stipulations or circumstances required. There will be good times and there will be not-so-good times. There will be challenges and unexpected situations that arise. But he will stay by your side and be your teammate through it all.
Of course, there is an asterisk to this. This does not mean you can disrespect your partner, lie or cheat. It does not mean you can betray his trust and expect him to stick around because he promised to commit to you. This point is about things the two of you go through together and him having the integrity to not walk away when times get hard.
Any man can be by your side on the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not he will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days.
Remember, if the person you are with puts in the effort to be this person for you, please let him know how much you appreciate him. No matter how kind someone is, there is no emptier feeling than giving your heart to someone who you feel takes it for granted.
ADVICE TO MY FELLOW MEN ABOUT
THEIR PREGNANT WIVES...
I am a man,but today I want us to discuss
Do you know that certain things you do when your wife is pregnant actually contributes to state of health of the mother and unborn child?
Listen, it bothers me a lot when I see men showing no concern to their pregnant wife or fail to adjust to some temporary changes!!!
It's just 9 months, not like it's forever. Pregnancy is not bought in the market, neither is it a software downloaded from the internet. It's a seed planted by us men and is germinating. There has to be a carrier of that seed while it grows, and women have been given the responsibility to carry it.
Pregnancy is preparation to welcome
a new member into the family.
Pregnancy is a
journey fun filled, amazing etc.
Women differ in body changes. Although Pregnancy makes women do certain things in common.
■Once in a while she would nag
■Once in a while she would request for things unimaginable e.g she wants to eat okro and bread
■Once in a while she would get so lazy to make you your meals
■Once in a while she would want to stretch her legs on your laps. Please pardon her... carrying the baby ain't easy.
Her needs may be unsatisfiable at times.
The first Tri_mester of the journey can be so annoying. Like I say women differ from each other during pregnancy.
●While most women are busy vomiting.
●Most of them sleep like water leaf, they sleep off anywhere with the slightest chance even in the kitchen.
●While most women have fever.
●Most women be looking cranky and dry like Dustin powder.
●While most women add up weight.
●Most women appear like burnt offerings.
●Some even go round with White handkerchief spitting in it. ALL THESE ARE STILL OUR WORK.....
Please tolerate this, it's beautiful afterwards.
Her attitude becomes annoying, most times you cant stand her. But I get annoyed when I see men like me neglect their pregnant wife. She's not an abomination, neither is she a curse. I must say, it's not an easy journey for all.
The last Tri_mester is when we need to be extra patient, loving, enduring and understanding.
1) Always observe your wife's feet while pregnant, it swells often. Please give her a basin of water to soak her leg once in a while, it's one of the best treat women enjoy during pregnancy.
2) Ask her regularly how she feels and how the baby is. She's the carrier so she feels him/her move.
3) Tell her how beautiful she looks during pregnancy e.g " Honey see as the pregnancy make you fine, I will be impregnating you every month ooo" or even "is it my child that makes you fresh like this pass normal" Even if she has grown bigger in size cause of the pregnancy, celebrate her.
4) Don't be upset if she ever wakes you up by 2am to help massage her feet. We need to feel little of her discomfort and pain. She shouldn't carry it alone, it's our baby,we need to carry it together. (I don't mean physical carriage though).
5) No rule book stopped sex during pregnancy, in short it's the best sef.... do it. It's not like the vagina stopped working during pregnancy. o boy continue the work that brings the pregnancy.
6) Don't be ashamed to take her out. Take her out once in a while to those lovie dovie places you used to go together. #They_love_it...
Most times I wonder what crosses the heart of men when they see their pregnant wives. Carrying a child for 9 months isn't easy.
I urge all men to get closer to their spouses during pregnancy because that's one of the times she needs you most.
A big shout out to all men who fully stand
by their wives during pregnancy.
God bless you all.